Loosening and toughening of his face had clearly indicated
the prevailed unrest in his facial muscles and thoughts. His eyes were intact,
not even blinking, and their depth had clearly stated that he ran a very long
way in his life. Besides, the unforgivingness of his thoughts had left of him
nothing but a serious man always preoccupied with something which could be deep
enough to succumb him. And there, this half empty glass of whisky which the
only thing still and calm in his life had accompanied him since he couldn't even recall. Today, sitting with such unrest since sunset he watched darkening
sky from the window. It was different today as he had eventually reached a point
that would squeeze him to zero. Lips quivered but not let out anything and he
wished to explode like a bomb for once and put everything at end. This way, musing
over his thoughts the evening has reached the night and grew with each passing
thought. I sometimes wonder if he was not a writer than must have been a
soldier in the army, as he fought with himself since prolong without even knowing
the reason.
Soon, he heard the creaking noise of door but it wasn’t
enough to break the chain of his thoughts since he already knew it was Chitra.
She would usually reach late from office and it had become habitual for her
even to see him like this. She was the only person left in his almost ruined life
but still he couldn’t let her have the liberty to touch his burning heart. They
had quarreled a lot on such behavior of his and at last, she gave up. Actually,
she didn’t give up on him rather on his state of mind. After freshen up she
made a drink for herself from his bottle and sat down before him. She tried to
look into his eyes but he couldn’t let her enter into them. She sat there for a
while and then moved to a nearby couch. She was expressionless as if they had
left her a long ago and since then her face become the perfect example for
expressionless faces. Once, when she got pre-mature promotion due to her
outstanding performance, her boss announced it before the entire staff and she
listened to it like a mute spectator for whom that speech hadn’t even concerned
at all. This made her boss feel so embarrassed, he quickly returned to his
cabin. Entire staff came to congratulate her but she couldn’t even bring a smile
on her face. It seemed god had snatched away the expression of smile from her
face as punishment of some terrible crime. Somewhere, in her heart she conceived
herself responsible for his broken life. She had hardly taken two sips from the
glass and kept stirring the wine with her wrist in spiral motion. She was still
looking at him and he was outside the window. He had tears perched at his
eyelid and with the purpose to conceal them; he didn’t turn his face towards
her. She knew his tears were at the verge and hence she stood up and put arm on
his shoulder. Her touch compelled him and he squeezed his eyes and the perched
tears rolled down to her arm. She looked at the drops and turned away. After a
while, she herself felt like sobbing but had no tears left in her eyes. She entered
bed room, where candles waited to be lighted and then, in the little light of those
candles she looked into mirror. She wished to see the earlier days of her life
when she was young and vibrant and how he used to write poems for her. In his
all the stories she was the lead character. He portrayed her in each of his
stories, novels, and poems. However, the mirror couldn’t fulfill her wish and revealed
her the face that had been worn with time. Freshness of skin now disappeared in
the twilight, wrinkles made their way to entrap her face soon enough and the
straight shoulders had marginally came down.
Chitra freed herself from the prison of clothes,
kept glasses at the dressing table, and sat down. She touched her hair gently and
found them little rough but kept on soothing. She lost in herself and
unknowingly put the thought of his writer husband somewhere in the gloomy room
for rest. The wf not being touched gently in love by anyone left
her on her own in the vacuum of life. Every night, when she would come home with
a wish to be touched by warm poetic fingers of her husband but that never
happened in years. Fire had built up in her heart since so long and everyday
she used to convince herself that it would end one day. However, it never
occurred on expectations. Though, he would watch her burn in deprivation and still
never went close enough to hold her hand in compassion. Tardily, she had begun forgotten
that she took birth as a woman. Her wonderful feminine senses had begun
disappearing but not her desire. Today, sitting before mirror seeing herself as
if it was not her but a defeated being; She couldn’t understand when the salty
water began flowing through deep dry eyes and settled on her lips for a while
before jumping into her slightly open lips. It had been a long since she tasted
such salty water. She took mirth of salty taste and he watched her bare back
and reflection of tearful eyes in the mirror. Impotency of his heart now turned
potent and feelings challenged his willpower to overcome, if it can, the wild
uproar of it. Instantly, he clinched the fist and wished to turn away but his
eyes and senses refused his wish, he couldn’t turn off. It appeared, he was
compelled to look at her bare body and made him feel her pain in his heart.
Eventually, he stepped inside. She stood up before him without any fear just
like a warrior. He looked at her from tip to toe and fell down on his knees
like an axed tree. He burst into cry. Besides, she sat down with him and both took
mirth of each other’s salty water. They cried and drank one another’s tears. He
hugged her as if he never had. Nectar of Love rained all night but morning was waiting
for a new story to begin.
She lay on bed, sleeping under his arm and an
amused smile holding on to her face. He was still not asleep. It was still an
hour left for dawn. His Puffed- open eyes stared at the rolling fan waited for dawn
and the fingers of his arm under which she was sleeping embroiled in her hairs-
they held a very slow motion as if he himself not aware of it. He turned his
face towards the window, noticed dew on glass for some time and then an
unanswered question underneath his black and grey hairs resurfaced, and began
demanding for the decision that had been pending since he had developed the understanding
of right and wrong. In the course of life, whatever answers he had found were
not enough to put an end at his never-ending quest. He sacrificed his every
achievement just to find the meaning of his life. Whatever he did in his life no
matter how big or how trivial, all waste- meaningless. He abandoned the
privileges, which he was entitled to enjoy just for the sake of one thing – a
meaning. Once people considered him an enlightened soul but he always found
himself in the cage of flesh and bones. The air was getting heavier and made it
difficult for him to breath. He was not a sage and not even deemed one- only his
thoughts which were somewhere in between the sainthood and devil.
He starved himself for perfection in his action.
Though in the perception of world, he had attained perfection in most of his
work but in his own eyes he still lacked it. The standards which he had set for
himself were far beyond the capability of common human being. Every time he
would produce a master piece the sorrow prevailed in his heart became more
intense as if that achievement was not an achievement but a shame on his name, on
his existence. He learnt somewhere that attainment of perfection never resulted
in applaud of praises but silence, a silence that could contain the whole
universe, possibly he was trying to achieve what was only reserved for gods. He
wanted to snatch it from god by challenging his work that had been done with
utmost perfection. He kept thriving to challenge the god by deeming himself a
human. The unusual fight with himself and his own mind had brought him to this
level where the only happiness he could achieve was the paramount sorrow, the only
lie was the word perfection, the only life was a seeking journey, the only
peace was no-peace, the only attainment was all but zero, and the only concept
was nothing but a hollow.
His deep eyes still looked for morning to come but
wished not to arrive sooner. He wished to spend some more time watching bliss on
her sleeping face by lying beside her and believe that she would stay happy for
her entire life after him. He wanted a promise, not from her but himself. He had decided to start his journey but a
fear of not coming back once he stepped out was keeping him there for a while
more, even after a while.
When Chitra opened her eyes, she found herself
alone. She was alone in the entire house. To meet him she went to his study and
there found an open letter underneath a paperweight.
I shall meet you again, not in this life but in other… I have your debt of love on me, which I wouldn’t be able to pay in this life but that doesn’t mean I ever loved you lesser. Actually, I loved you so much that I myself don’t know if it has any limits. The way unconditionally you have been there with me in my misery, exactly the same unconditional way I loved you in my every breath. I called out your name even more than god’s name. Even in my thoughts I used to take your name. Since, in a way I was always afraid that at an unfortunate day I might lose your name and just to ensure I wouldn’t, I took your name more than anything. I don’t know if life was fair to me or I was fair to life, but one thing I know dead sure that – Yes, my dearest I was fair to you in my limits. However those unforgiving limits were too short and they suffocated my existence in this world while I never allowed it to suffocate my love for you.Your existence in my life always kept me from eternal death, which had been awaiting my encounter at the doorstep. But, this way you kept yourself from happiness just because of me. You couldn’t take in peaceful air. You sacrificed your eternity for me and now that’s a burden on my soul. By leaving this world with your love in my heart I set you free. And, this is the only way I could see since you would never leave me and live my misery which I can’t allow anymore.Now, I want to make a Promise again that I shall meet you…not in this life but in other for sure.
Until then….Yours and yours forever…
