I Love You

…I Love You…

Six years gone, and I was back to Dilli, which had been second love of my life. What’s more - I left my first love 6 years ago somewhere in the streets of this beautiful witty city. Held by the feeling of butterflies inside my stomach, now I wait to see the old face that must have changed to an extent in the gust of time. Again, in the streets of this city, it felt a lost dream re-appeared to my sight all again, so clear. While away, I always wished to live my entire life over here and even drawing my last breath here only. The spell of thoughts and dreams were soon arrested by sudden halt of taxi before the gate of AIIMS. I am Lilyan Kaur, a doctor from US who is back to her own land.

I paid taxi fare and walked through the gates with luggage bag following, rolling over the ground. Soon I was given a residence within the walls of institute. From the window of bedroom, hospital was under the reach of my sight. In settling down when the day began to bid adieu far somewhere in west. Draped in shawl I sat down on bed and soon remembrance of Jignesh came over as though they had been waiting for me, at the brink of my heart, to be alone.

Jignesh, born in orthodox Gujarati family, brought up in Dilli was more Haryanvi than being a Gujju. A complete hardcore ‘Dilli Ka Chora’ and was the most roguish boy in school. He used to spend most of his time standing outside the classroom in the form of punishment. Even so, he never conceived of it as punishment, indeed an opportunity. Whenever he had been asked to get out from the class an impish smile would always appear at his face as though feeling proud on deeds he preformed that helped him in serving the purpose.

 For most of teachers, he was a sort of terror as he was an all-rounder student or it would be better to say a gifted boy. He always used to get first or second rank in everything. He had both, good as well as bad name in school. Every girl was jealous of him but somewhere, they all wanted to be with him and I was one of them. Being in the toppers list was also my trait and would always pay full concentration in the class, but still I could not beat him even once. Whatever rank I would get in my class, I always found myself a rank below him. Even at times, I thought it was a conspiracy of god who wanted to keep me a step behind from him. Once when I was in 10th STD, there were half yearly exams and Jignesh had performed well below from his reputation. He could only manage to seize sixth rank in the class and I was sure that this time I would beat this crappy gujju guy but as matter of surprise and fate, I got seventh rank, just after him. When it was announced in the class all eyes were on us as we used to belong to the list of toppers and suddenly we both fell out from that list together and that day I realized that our fate had some remote connection with each other.

And, I became first and the only female friend of him. After school, he stayed in Dilli and I went to US to become a Doctor. Nevertheless, we parted without any promises of keeping in touch and tears. When I set forth, I had no feelings for him, we were just friends but in the course of my studies, whenever I came across any man, I would always put him forth and compare with Jignesh and could not find at par to him. My definition of perfection was living somewhere in Dilli with Jignesh. Once again, being in Dilli and thinking about him rendered a sense of his intimacy. I wanted to meet him but no one had any clue of him, it seemed he was disappeared from this world. I decided to set out my quest for him from next day.

At 8:00 PM, I went to Canteen for dinner and there I met an on-duty matron, she was also having dinner out there. So friendly in nature she offered me a tour of whole hospital. Nevertheless, I only asked her to show me the Neurology department, as I was a Neurologist. After dinner, we strolled down to a pathway, which led us to Neurology department. She told about the cases, which would normally strike the hospital. She showed up the process and kind of treatment that AIIMS provide.

 After strolling down from 2 or 3 wards, I asked her, “What about the critical cases of Neurology?”

She took a sigh and replied, “Most critical cases are not normal, they are sort of learning for our doctors as well, our doctors discuss their case history with other doctors who are somehow associated with AIIMS.”

She stopped saying and after couple of thoughtful moments continued, “As you are Neurologist, let me show you the most awful and different kind of case.”

She guided me to a room where a patient was laid on bed as if dead and the beep sound from life supporting machines was the sound that had been incessantly fighting with prevailed silence. We entered the room and Matron recounted, “This patient has a very different case. His body is healthy like anything but somehow his brain is dying a very slow death. We could say he is in comma but in reality his subconscious has taken over his conscious mind and he is in sort of dreams all the time.”

I asked, “Since how long he is in such condition?”

Matron replied, “Almost a year, even more. When he was first taken here it wasn’t an exceptional case but with the course of time he started getting worse.”

I stepped towards bed and grabbed the case history that was attached to it. I did not bother to see his face since my concern was his case history. The first thing I read was the name of patient, “Jignesh Patel.”

The name came to me as hammer on my head. Case history dropped from my hands and the noise produced by it over took sound coherent beeps. I quickly rushed to the bed to see his face and I found my definition of perfection, my love, my feeling, my quest, my destiny lying there with wrinkles. Tears rolled out of my eyes, and stopped at the brink of eyelashes and it glazed my vision. I could not see him distinctly but soon, when I quickly wiped out brimming tears from lashes, I felt as if losing the ground, my feet had lost potency to stand. I took support of bed, and sat down on a chair, placed next to bed.

Matron perpetually looked at me and when I faced her, she asked, “You know him?”

I said, “yes, he is my……he was my classmate when we were in school.”

Matron stood still as though contemplating something and indeed, underneath her grey hair something was running. After mulling over for couple of moments, “If you want you can be here, after all this is your department.” She said with smile, picked up case history from floor, and slipped into my hands.

I kept looking at Jignesh. His chest was rising and falling with each breath.

‘I have never had experienced such feelings for him, yet I longed for him. He had always occupied my mind out there in US but not such feeling. I always envied him for being one-step ahead of me in everything and here, when I am back, he is still a step ahead, lying before me, feeling proud all again. He was a sweet pain and now when I desired to share the same, he is not ready to listen to anything at all.’

I leaned over him and said, “You are still the same crappy and witty guy, you only think about your happiness, you don’t care about anyone. You are the most selfish man I have ever seen. Even here in AIIMS, you have reached before me. Will you ever allow me to beat you just at once?” I went on with tears rolling down my cheeks, “Can’t you wait for me to arrive and allow me to share my feelings for you, how much I missed you in those years. I know you were frightened that this time I would be a step ahead that is the reason you turned to the bed... yet, you are still the same, just like school days, and there you never listened to anyone and same thing you are doing here lying before me on bed and not even listening to my single word. How could you be this much selfish?”

I held his dry dead looking hand. It was cold. I could sense his slow pulse. I took his hand to my cheek, closed my eyes, and felt solace in his touch. I have stopped crying and soon tears also vanished but they left behind their impression. They were like grimes on my face and I slowly sponged that grime with his warm hand. When eyes were closed, I realized I was really crying for someone who never played a prominent role in my life although always made me feel agitated and lastly made me cry just because I loved him stupidly and that too without knowing it. Subtle traces turned into love in the years while I was away and now I could not even get a answer if I would ask him.

Whole night I wept and talked to him. I laughed with tears, my lips turned out salty in taste I could feel it, my eyes got swollen and the skin of my face was stretched out due to tears grime, and my heart felt so heavy filled with emotions. I wished for him to open the eyes. I longed for his gaze, just for once. Whole night I held his hand.

Lastly, a moment arrived when I kissed his dry lips for a couple of moments and turned away. Within a second I heard a husky voice, “Lilyan, Your lips are very salty,” and Jignesh was looking at me with nearly opened eyes. His face looked pale. I quickly hugged him and smiled with glazed eyes.

 He slowly said, “I am still ahead of you, just like past days you followed me and reached here”

I replied, “I hate you for this.”

Jignesh tried to laugh with his shivering cheeks but could not and rather I laughed for him.

Jignesh mumbled, “I never knew why I was alive in my heart and dead in my brain, for what my soul and destiny were waiting, but when your salty lips touched me, it seemed as though I got over with destiny, life and death. I missed you even in my dreams.” and suddenly stopped saying. An impish smile came over his face just like school days and then I leaned over, put my hand on his chest. Now When I opened my mouth to say my heart, a long beep appeared in the silence of the room I looked at the monitor screen. The lifeline of Jignesh turned out flattened and I sensed the last beat of his heart on my hand and with that beat, the last words came out of my mouth with wide-open eyes, “I love you…” and I found a monitor cable twisted in his dead fingers. Perhaps, his life resided in his own hands and waited for my mere presence or maybe it was his last wish.