Lets Get Back to Love

Lets Get Back to Love

Love… something that never comes with choice in the age of choices although we still wish for the same. Today I have realized this very fact, not only the fact but also fact of my life. Well, nothing has left to talk about, so thought of put down the left over feelings on paper as they are not meant to be said but understood or felt. So many times, I have led astray myself on to wrong paths and rendered delusion of nothing but a king of own realm, that was nowhere but resided in my own beliefs. Sitting alone, having eyes locked up with window seeing nothing but the vacuum of own life and fighting with own obstinacy to turn back from this point before it is too late, but wouldn’t it be already late  or am I just giving myself again a delusion?

I left her because she was nowhere near to the benchmark I have set for beauty. She was simple, a normal next-door girl. It was I, who had dreamt of having world’s most beautiful lover but when she got in things had changed but did not last longer. Sick, unreal dream took over my head and senses, and I left her for nothing. She was innocent; she loved me more than at least I loved anyone in my whole life. I was screw-head and screwed her from every possible meaning. I never answered her calls, I always sought to avoid her, and one day I received a message where she accepted her defeat in love and declared me a victor but today when life turned out nothing but hollow I have realized that it was her triumph and my defeat. Her innocent voice, her giggle on silly things once used to take sick out of me but today I yearn for it. She used to ask every single detail about day in day out and I used to get sick of it but today no one is around to ask if I am dead or alive. I used to get angry with her when she would talk silly but today I am the silliest. It was a long distance relation, started at some social networking site and carried over to chatting very soon. Initial days were exciting, we used to chat for hours, talking over schooling, college, friends, activities, hobbies, future life and many more. And, one day when we both felt the urge to listen to voice of one another we exchanged our contact numbers and successfully hit the next stage of trust and friendship. Then, phone bills began soaring up and sleeping hours began squeezing down. I found someone who would call me early morning so that I would not miss my bus to office and breakfast both, someone had begun taking care of me from 100’s of Kilometers away.

I had stopped setting up morning alarms and begun getting calls from office’s dispatch department for the collection of parcels of various sizes and shapes. Sometime chocolates, sometime shirt, sometime wallet, and sometime bracelet and I, who have never had any gifts not even on birthdays since no one ever bothered to remember the date, began getting gifts after gifts and reached at cloud number nine. Suddenly life bore with full of gifts and surprises. She proved to be my Cinderella and Senorita both. Soon, we decided to meet and she got ready to come over. I began counting days and with each day, the excitement of seeing her piled up. Our talks also became more and more intimate with each hour day, I was dying to see her, and she was dying to see me. For two days, I wandered into the market to select a unique gift for her but could not find one. At last, an evening before her arrival, I gave my sense of choosing gift a last chance and stepped into a toy-shop  I know, for choosing a gift for adult girl stepping into the toy shop was nowhere far from insaneness, I had no idea why I stepped into that shop but soon my vision caught the glimpse of most adorable teddy bear of the world (in her words). It was light pink, with cute eyes and nose about three and half feet in size, it was perfect for her.

She was coming from Bangalore and I had reached at bus stand an hour before the arrival of bus. With legs shuddering, eyes restless, I was looking at wristwatch in every few seconds and a bouquet of red roses kept moving back and forth in right hand. I felt as if my dream of falling into love like Raj and Anjali was soon going to be over and I felt the same lurch in my voice when I first said Hi to her after she stepped out from bus with a small bag dangling over her left shoulder. I presented her the bouquet of red roses but with trembling hands. She laughed and we proceed to hire an auto. I could not dare to stare at her for long time; my eyes couldn’t stand for more than 5 seconds at her face as if it might offend her. We reached at my place, she was settling down and I went into the kitchen and put tea on gas stove. I came back to found her sitting on sofa with a glittering wristwatch in her hand. I knew it was another gift from her. She gave it to me but her eyes somewhere stuck at the floor. As soon as I held that watch she turned around and asked me in low voice, “I need to take shower, where is bathroom?” she was ready with her clothes in hands so I led her to bathroom.

Tea was ready and waiting along with me for her to appear in the hall. With wet hairs, water droplets traversing through temple and cheeks she appeared. I was awestruck and probably this was the first time I stared at her until she got embarrassed and asked me, “What are you looking at?” I shrugged, “You are looking great.” She came closer and sat next to me. I handed her the hot cup of tea but she put it down. I was nervous and excited simultaneously, did not know what to do, so began taking sip of tea and unaware from the fact that it was still too hot to burn my tongue. Slowly I put down my cup of tea and a disgusted expression covered my face. She knew what just happened. However, she said nothing just smiled a little. Unfortunately, the geyser was not working and the winter was on its high, probably that day was the coldest of season. Therefore, apparently, she held little shiver and eventually told me, “It’s very cold.” I replied, “Yes, it is.” she asked, “Can I hold you?” and before I could say anything, she not only held me but also hugged me. That hug was very warm, she held me for a while in same position. After sometime, I put my arms around her and pressed a little to tighten it. I could imagine her smiling face even with closed eyes.

After tea, we went into our room watched a movie on my PC by holding hands, gently. Then I cooked her food and obviously, she helped me in it and given few good tips too. In between, whenever we felt urge to feel each other we hugged, we kissed, we held each other. After lunch she caressed my hairs and I hers.  She brought her bag from hall to my room and opened a big family album where she made me introduced to her entire family. Then she asked, “Don’t you have your family album.” I thought for a while and replied, “Sorry, I have no pics with me.” She understood disappointment in my voice and changed the topic with a blink of an eye. She began revealing the top-secret stories of her school and college life and explained everything about her family and its history.

Next day, she had to leave and I went to see her off. She kept holding my hand until the conductor gave the last call. She watched me from the window and I knew what she had in her head, she wanted me to turn around to at least show my feelings but I didn’t do it. She reached Bangalore and I missed her that whole night. Life again came to normal, nothing exceptional it’s just that I have filled with energy. Frequencies of phone calls begin diminishing and complain began mounting up. I started imparting false reasons and useless office related commitments but the fact was I had begun losing interest in her. I was in tension, for me it became important to understand the reason of such sudden disinterest. I wanted time to understand but she wanted that time of mine.

I wanted not to lose my first love for no sensible reasons although with each passing day things became worse. I began feeling guilty in telling her I love you. The very three words she told me with so ease and I felt the same level of difficulty in repeating those as if they are some tongue twister. However, it was I, who was twisted under the false dreams and dilemma, not the tongue. For me, once, the love was most important thing today turned out a useless emotion that I had held responsible for wasting time, money, life, and purpose. Eventually after months of avoidance, she set me free by sending that very message where she accepted the truth of losing me entirely. I felt good but with time soon, I started calling her, but now she had stopped picking up my calls. For hours, I tired her number but never got chance to hear her voice all again. I had been declared convict for the crime of love.

Now after two years, I received a call from dispatch department of my office to collect a parcel. I was amazed to know that who has sent me parcel after two years. I rushed to the dispatch department and collected the parcel. Its sender was none but She. I quickly rushed back to my desk and opened it to know the surprise but this time it’s not surprise but a shock. It was her marriage invitation and a letter attached to it. I couldn’t dare to open that marriage invitation card but opened that letter. The letter was weary and seems old almost a year and two. It had patches of water actually, the salty water normally eyes carry it for such moments. I read it completely and the salty water from my eyes dropped onto letter and met again. This time our tears met and dried out over her letter. The ink began spreading but each word still intact on that letter.

 She knew love even that time, it helped her in moving ahead in life and apparently she was marrying someone else but I, who was standing alone, left behind and still yearn for same love which I never realized on time.