Way Of My Acceptance...

12:30 PM, I locked my computer by hitting two buttons simultaneously and stood up with empty stomach and heavy heart for lunch. Apparently, Life appeared of no use, useless discussions, hopeless talks, and aimless days. Eyes crawled for the death of last hope….it seemed as though nothing was left behind, only a barren land covered with stains of tears which could be spotted all around. And, when the strings of broken awful relations and love appeared before eyes then heart wished for the complete blindness. These thoughts ran hard down like a tempest and my feet ran inversely proportional to that storm. Without knowing, I escorted myself from building to the food court and directly went to one of the several queues without taking glance at any food menu. Bought a coupon and joined another queue for lunch. Mind had brought whole attention to deep broken feelings of life resided in my heart but somehow I managed to take that attention away and scatter it in the outside world. Now the eyes were looking at the all known faces around the food court, which seemed eccentric to me however, eyes did not rest at any particular face.

All beautiful faces out there were having all expressions.

Suddenly I caught a face that looked sad a moment before, was now blooming like a fresh rose and it was the feel of someone special for whom she had waited so desperately with two plates of fried rice. Now that someone special slowly sneaked a chocolate into her hand to bribe her for the acceptance of his delay in appearance but she refused mischievously and then accepted suddenly with a naughty smile and this made that someone special to feel more special in this world.

Few yards from there, a man in his middle age sat alone with a lunch box and looked at it with fondness as though it had been cooked and packed by someone special, must be his wife. Soon, people for whom he was waiting with open Lunchbox joined him and almost everyone carried a lunchbox in their hand.

At the far end, there were two tables. Both looked deserted but they were not. Those tables were occupied by one guy and one girl, respectively. Both sat alone and there was no one to share their loneliness of life and table both. Plates of food waiting at the table, spoons entangled somewhere between fingers and their faces had a look of dilemma which perhaps they did not even know. Only loneliness was keeping them company.

Somewhere in the middle of the food court, few tables were joined together and a group of comparatively young faces sat there enjoying Pizza, Chinese, etc. Few were couples and few were stags however all were friends. Sound of loud laugh and teasing coming along from there and made me recall similar days of mine. Freshness of smile on their faces and gentle roughness in their talk, forcing many ears to turned down in their direction.

Meanwhile I caught a bunch of people standing in front of a food menu board and trying to decide what to have in lunch today. Couples were among them and most could not reach a decision, there were conflicts in the eating habits. Few just agreed without much tussle and few simply agreed to their companion’s choice without further argument.

A housekeeping guy was mopping floor where someone had unwittingly poured curry and simultaneously few people walked through the same spot and seeing this housekeeping man lips started fluttering but no sound appeared and again started mopping the shoes sign left by them.

Eventually, I was ready with my plate of lunch and again looked around. The food court was full. While holding the plate with hands I looked for a place to sit and finally I got one table where a man in his early 50s was sitting alone and having his lunch in solace. I asked him, “Can I sit here?” He welcomed me with smile, “Yeah sure.”

Now I looked at the queue in which I was standing moments before and tried to look at it from the perspective wherein I was looking at everyone few moments before. This moment I realized that I was no different from the crowd I was part of it. My feelings, my emotions, my pain is no different from anyone in this world. There was no need to think this much about the pain I was suffering from. Everyone out there was having pain of some kind. Nothing was so big that I can’t endure. Everyone was coping with their goods and bads in their own way. Some by accepting, some by compromising, some by adjusting, some by talking to themselves, some by surrendering, and some by winning over. Therefore, why I cannot stop my fighting own with myself and look out for peace the way others doing, maybe I would get it.

Suddenly the middle age person sitting in front of me said, “You are right…All things in this world are same the only difference you can experience is the way you feel it or we can say, the way you want to feel it.” I replied with amazement, “What?”

He replied, “I am done with mine…are you?” and left the table without any further word, I saw him walking down food court and quickly disappeared in the crowd of common feelings.

Everything is common, no odds exist, and the only odd, which matters, is the way of your acceptance in this world.

Chapter - 3 (...A Destined Love...)

Chapter – 3

On my way back to hostel, life felt filled with all kind of happiness except one thing ‘She’. Who she was, I had no idea, where she lived I had no idea, why our path crossed every time in the name of coincidence I had no idea, but had a faith now, that I would meet her again – a blind faith. That day, when I reached hostel everyone came to congratulate me. Suddenly I became so special. Seniors, juniors, friends, foes all made me feel special, as if it was my birthday. Although I had never celebrated my birthday in whole life, I was the person who would always prefer to stand in the last at any birthday party. There were instances when people had come to wish me my birthday but I refused. In childhood, no one would ever come to wish me that it was my birthday and I had no idea why. Now when anyone does it, I feel scared, perhaps I would not want to take a feel of it. However, that day I wished for her to come and wish me my birthday though it was not. Just a strange wish.

Perhaps I have begun to return. At the start of my college life, suddenly I stopped watching romantic movies; in fact, started to despise them. It seemed love had departed my heart and tardily it became stone, red blood turned black. There was no specific reason for this transformation; perhaps just to defend myself in the ever-hostile world I imprisoned my heart into a fortress. Now when look back in time I realize how lifeless life I have lived. Life was a routine and feelings had restricted freedom, as they should not come in my way to a place I had no idea. Her mere sight in the corridor had brought back everything. I found myself as though never lost. For the first time I asked CD rental shop owner for ‘Devdas’ movie.

“What happened to you? Since more than a year I have been asking you to take away DVD of Devdas, but you never listened and today asking for it?” said shop owner while being surprised.

“Nothing happened. It’s just that there is nothing much interesting left in your shop so thought of watching it.” I replied casually.

“Well, here is this new DVD of it. Take away.” He handed over DVD of Devdas.

That Night, I watched Devdas, and to my surprise I wept. I wept at the deep devotion of Chandramukhi, I wept at the unrelenting love of Devdas for Paro, and I wept at the barrenness wore by Chunni-babu and Devdas together. It not only touched my heart but also went ahead to reach the soul. Perhaps, it was due effect of unleashed feelings. Those tears had an altogether unlike effect on my soul. I felt so relieved and emptiness of my heart just vanished. I felt so much occupied as feelings kept coming to me from all the directions. That night I really lived life after a long time.

Last semester had reached its halfway and like past semesters, it also had a subject that required special attention. I asked one of my friends to look for a professor outside the college who takes private classes for ‘Microprocessor’ since it required such kind of attention. He found out one such professor and we joined his private classes. It was a Saturday; the end of my first week of private class, and sitting there in the class with friends I waited for professor to appear but soon some 3 to 5 girls entered the class. Among them, ‘She’ was one. I quickly jumped on my seat and told my friend who was sitting next to me about her. I told him how and where I have seen her first. When the class got over, he pursued me to talk to her but before my reluctant behavior his persuasion couldn't last long and we both went back to hostel. Now every day after class, he would urge me to go and talk to her. In fact, I too wanted the same but somewhere a fear in me wouldn't allow to take that much required step in her direction. However, meanwhile I contacted an old school friend of mine who was studying BBA in her college.

“Hey buddy, I am looking for the name girl from your college who is somewhere 5’ 8 in height, creamy complexion and slim body. She is in Final year BCA.”

Two days later, I got a call from him. He found out her name, it was ‘Dhani’, never heard before such a beautiful name. That day, one more thing happened - I received my offer letter from Infosys along with joining details. I had to join Bhubaneswar office on 2^nd July for 45 days training on Software Testing. I asked others who had also received their joining details and felt disappointment since they were all going to Bangalore for training in network management.

That day after the class, my friend urged, and I again said no like other days. Now instead of giving up, he threatened me, “If you won’t talk to her now then I will approach her.”

“Do whatever you feel like.” I said casually since I believed he wouldn’t act like an idiot but he did. I watched him going to her and began talking something. At first, I couldn’t get what he was speaking with her but then suddenly he called my name on top of his voice. Now, had no option but to go and talk. As soon as I reached before her, he left us alone. I looked at her face, she had inquisitive expression as though wanted to know my business. When couple of moments went in silence, she asked, “So about what on earth you want to talk to me?”

“Um..mm..I have seen you at Infosys recruitment drive, what happened?” I asked

“I got shortlisted.”

“Congratulation. By the way have you received your offer letter and joining details?”

“Yes I do.”

“If you don’t mind, may I ask your joining date?”

“July the 2^nd.”

“And…Joining Place?”

“Bhubaneswar.”

“And….the training?”

“Software testing.”

Our joining details were exactly same. I turned around to leave after thanking her and made a gesture towards my friend with an enough loud sound of YES. I knew she heard it since was a direct byproduct of my overwhelming excitement.

When I reached he asked, “What happen?”

“Everything.” I replied with big grin on my face and looked in her direction. She was about to leave on her Activa.

“Start the bike, we have to chase her. Do it now she is leaving.” I told my friend.

We chased her on our bike but then soon she found out that two guys on motorcycle chasing her and she began exhibiting her driving skills. I tried not to lose her sight in the evening traffic but then a moment arrived when she just vanished like a fragrance in air. That night and even many following nights, I spent in vain looking for her on orkut over internet.

This very thought always made me feel ecstatic that she and I would be together in training in Bhubaneswar. Besides, I began believing in the fact that it was all written in the heaven and it was a matter of time when we would be with each other. Yet, it never occurred even in my dreams that if life gift excitements then it also present surprises, which even the almighty himself does not guarantee if they are all happy ones or sad ones.

At the start of June, when private class was over I desperately waited for exams to arrive. Obviously, since private class, I hadn't seen her but often I thought of her and imagined her presence in my life. One day I received a news that there were some political upheaval in the university and because of it the exams were going to be delayed for all the colleges and eventually in the mid of June university declared the exam schedule. They were very late and due to it, joining needed to be postponed. I contacted HR of Infosys by sending an email in which I mentioned reason for postponing the joining date and in reply, they asked me to get in touch with them once the exams would be over. This whole incident gave rise to negative thoughts in me. I would sometime wonder what is she would be given a joining date different from me, What if they would change my joining location, what if I wouldn't get to see her again. These illogical but fearful sad thoughts began haunting me in sleep, but soon when the exam dates neared these thoughts shimmered down and I shifted my complete focus on exams, which had the key to my life further life or perhaps my Love.

To Be Continued....(Chapter - 4...Coming Soon)

1. Read Preface 

2. Read Chapter - 1 (...A Destined Love...)

3. Read Chapter - 2 (...A Destined Love...)

Chapter - 2 (...A Destined Love...)

Chapter – 2

Third semester had started and I became a senior student. College life stories too had begun piling up, and every new day brought a new story. Along with felicities some perturbation came and the most horrible one was the subject of Digital Electronics. It was almost a nightmare. I remembered my first year’s days where I had been continuously hunted by Physics and now this electronics, I thought, would certainly take my life away. And, while the most happening semester was on run, in the back of my head I was looking for it to end, since it would bring one more chance to see her for six days. Until end of semester, electronics succeeded in breaking up almost all digital connection to my brain and when I read the exam schedule at college notice board it felt like a final assault. All connection to brain felt numb and at the center of my chest a pain oozed out. University had decided on changing examination center for our college. Certainly, I wasn’t going to see her this time, however reminisce of her face still felt fresh in my eyes. This separation mattered to me, but not much since I knew that this would happen someday. And, the privilege that destiny showered at me would be stopped some days as nowhere we were meant for each other, we had no match.

With time dust began to accumulate on my memories but she remained there, under it as though secured a place for herself. Third semester gone, fourth semester gone, fifth semester gone without seeing her, and I convinced myself that it was just an attraction which had reached its end and nothing more remained, not even a thought worth thinking. At the start of sixth semester life was playing a different music. All good times slowly began to vanish and tension about future decided to replace it. I had very little options in my hand hence I began looking for job in Call centers despite being good in technical. But there, I got no luck since my English speaking was as broken as heart of any lover on this mighty earth. Soon from a friend of mine I got to know that for the first time TCS was conducting campus recruitment drive for science and computer graduates. For what profile, I asked. Technology profile, he replied. I felt god has listened to my plea. I went to that drive but in second round of selection they showed me door - I was rejected. With dashed hopes I went back to my hostel. Three more big companies conducted campus drive and every time I was shown door. Hopes were at all time low and then the news about Infosys coming for campus recruitment drive reached my ears. I collected myself and started preparing for it. Within I had a strange hope that this time I would see my name in the final selection’s list.

On the day of written test, I got into argument with an HR executive. He had accused me of not being eligible to sit for technology written test since I was student of Commerce subject in 12^th Std. As I argued more soon one of his mate or perhaps a senior, not sure, appeared in hall and asked about the fuss. He explained him the matter, in return this new guy asked me to present my all original mark sheets and certificate. I opened my folder and presented him each and every certificate. For a couple of minutes he went through them and then said, “let this guy fight the exam, if he doesn’t have what it takes then automatically he would be out and please start the examination. Don’t delay it any further, we are running short on time.” I thanked him and appeared for written test. An hour after the written test was over the same HR appeared in hall with shortlist in hand. He announced names of all candidates who had been selected for interview. Watchfully, I listened to every name he announced, and waited impatiently for my name. With every name being proclaimed my heart went towards dark deep bottom of despair and occasionally came to surface to get besieged gasp of hope. List attained almost its end, I closed my eyes in disappointment and then suddenly I heard my name being announced by HR while folding the list and keeping in the pocket of his shirt. Mine was last name in it. At once, my eyes had gone wide open, and soul felt as though swimming at the surface of ocean of hope and contentment. Two days later was the scheduled date of interview.

After two days of incessant preparation I was at the interview venue around 8 O’clock. It was month mid January and winter was at its peak. I wore my worst jacket along with a borrowed tie that dangled around the neck. All the aspirants were asked to sit in a hall and wait for their turn. Sitting at the back bench I looked around. Everyone who were present in the hall were trying to converse in English with each other as though practicing for interview. Their hand and facial gesture seemed as though they were not the people I knew. Their behavior felt so weird. Sometimes I laughed at them and other times felt a surge of awe from inside. They were at least trying their best, I understood this very fact, but simultaneously seemed that it’s fake and artificial.

While I wondered about others someone called my name, I looked into its direction. At the door someone stood there and his eyes seeking me everywhere in the hall. I raised my right hand and stood up. He asked me to follow him. When we reached in corridor at first floor, he asked me to sit on a bench placed by the wall and wait for a candidate to walk out from a cabin that was almost 10 yards away, vertically. After he left me alone, I sat down and began drawing heavy breathes to control the prevailed anxiety in me. My left leg held a ceaseless slight motion showing my level of nervousness. Soon someone caught my attention who was sitting on a similar bench at the opposite side in corridor. Her eyes were grounded, however I still recognized the face. She was the same girl whom I used to watch in first and second semester exams. My anxiety vanished and ceaseless motion held by my left leg too departed. I felt relieved and amazed but soon the tension of interview came over and I draw my sight from her to my resume and certificate folder. In those moments, interview was much more important than anything in this world. When I was satisfied with the arrangement of my certificates and resume I looked up in her direction but she was not there. She disappeared. For an instance, it all felt like an illusion. I shook my head and looked in the direction of cabin, someone just walked out. I knew it was my turn. I stood up and walked towards cabin while counting each step I took.

An hour later, I found myself standing at the entrance of waiting hall. I looked for and found her sitting somewhere in the middle row. Quickly I moved and grabbed a seat in a row behind and watched her from the close distance for the first time. I watched her every move. I watched her golden hairs and displaced locks. She wore a jacket, Patiala suit and her enticing face had a touch of pink. We all were waiting for the final shortlist which was going to decide the fate of our future. Somewhere in the noon, a team of HR entered the waiting hall indicated that wait was eventually over and they had sealed the fate of few lucky ones. Like written test, they started calling names of who all had got the job. I might get to know her name here, I thought, if in case she had her name in the list. At every female name, they called out, I closely watched her for reaction but it didn’t come. Soon I realized that lot of names had already been called out and along with her name mine was also missing. This compelled my focus to take a shift and now I paid attention so that I wouldn’t miss at least my name. List again almost reached its end, my name was still missing and the same story got repeated. My name was again last in the list. Moment the name reached my ears, a rush of rejoices swept over me. I felt as though I achieved something extraordinary in my ordinary life. I plunged at a friend who stood beside me to hug. After post-recruitment talk was over, where they asked us to have all the subjects clear at the end of final year and in case if we flunked in any of subjects then the job offer would be held void, I moved out from the hall and called my mom to give her the good news. Now while I was talking to my mom I suddenly remembered her and this very thought of her made me to hang up the phone. I ran towards parking lot with the hope to see her since I knew which Activa she drove. Unfortunately she wasn’t there; she had vanished like dew vanishes from soft green grass in any winter morning.

That day our path again crossed after so long, and got separated like complete strangers. Destiny staged a chance to know indeed a chance to see her from this close. I couldn’t share a word with her but that day my heart had gone a long way in her search. Had no glimmer, if she was the one for me but surely she was the one of her kind. That day, if angels would have seen her from my eyes then beyond doubt they had desperately urged for human life instead of being angel.

To Be Continued....(Chapter -3...Coming Soon)

1. Read Preface

2. Read Chapter - 1 (...A Destined Love...)

Chapter - 1 (...A Destined Love...)

Chapter – 1

Exams of first semester nearing and I had been busy studying Physics, since it was my weakest subject. I entered BCA instead of my father resistance. He wanted me to pursue BBA like other fellows as I was originally a commerce student but I had a secret liking for computers and one day I took a stand, “I will do BCA not BBA and if you don’t want it that way then better send me back to our old village I will do farming.” He gave up and eventually sent me to a college in Indore to pursue graduation of my choice. That day, I didn’t know what life had for me. Happily I went to Indore, joined a college, get into hostel and began what I proudly recall as my ‘college life’.

In the start of November, college admin had posted exam schedule on notice board along with the name of Exam center – Danik Bhaskar Press complex. Dismay prevailed in me when I first read its name. It was situated at other end of city, almost 15 KMs away from hostel. Semester exams were due to start somewhere in the last week of November and eventually the day had arrived. I studied whole night before first exam paper and reached at the center well before time, somewhere around 10:00 AM. However, start time of examination was 11:00 AM. It was a cold November morning and stood outside the gate I devoured warmth of winter Sun. I carried no notes since I always preferred no revision before couple of hours of examination. It helped to arrest before exam anxiety but soon something else was going to give rise to it.

Almost after half an hour I noticed someone coming in centers direction on Activa. I watched her stopping besides the gate, putting Activa on stand and removing a book from a place underneath the seat. Gentle wind and glow of morning sun had turned her hairs golden. And her creamy face kept traversing right to left, left to right as she performed last minute revision of important notes. Suddenly I felt a magic swept over me, mind turned out empty while the eyes savored the view. She wore normal clothes, and looked fresh which generally people don’t look alike due to exam pressure. I forgot that I came to appear in the exam. Mesmerizing view of her took hold of everything in me. I felt my existence depended on her mercy, as if that moment she had wished, I could have given my life to her. The way I noticed her, I knew she hadn’t noticed in any way closer to that degree, however she didn’t even have inkling that someone at other end of gate stood and watched her with most intense feeling. Soon a call of my name fetched me back to real world. Friends were there. I joined them but my eyes kept going in her direction where now she was also joined by her friends. I asked friends the name of other college whose BCA students were there to appear in exam. Its Prestige college of Management studies, they told me. It was same college my father initially took me for admission. One of the finest colleges for student wanted to pursue BBA or BCA. My marks were good, college offered me admission but the fee structure was such that it would be damn difficult for my father to pay. I refused to take admission in that college and chose the one which was under the budget for my father. I wondered if had taken admission to that college I would have got to see her daily like this.

Soon the bell rang and crowd gathered outside began marching inside for its first college exam. This way I watched her for my next five exam papers and then life started as usual. For couple of months, I thought about her, although never told any of my friends.

I was a man who never believed in any false hopes and this helped me to forget her like a sweet dream. In those days, hope of having her in life never crossed my thoughts since I knew the difference between us. I was no prince charm while she was princess, I was no special guy while she was a special girl, I was nothing out of the world while she was out of the world, I was no center of any circle while she was the center of many lives. I moved back happily to my life, to my hostel, to my college, to my friends. Then came exams of second semester and same story got repeated and I enjoyed every bit of it. Why not, after all hardly anyone gets to live a dream and I was living one, though momentarily but living one.

To Read Preface Click Here

To Be Continued....(Chapter -2 ...Coming Soon)

A Destined Love (Preface)

On my sand colored Royal Enfield classic, I headed in the dark that had been illuminated by the street lamps. Time was running short and so my life. Engine was thumping as though the restless heart of mine. I didn’t stop when PCR vans tried to intercept, not once but twice. However, my thinking had long been stopped at the only thought, at the only name, at the only beautiful face I knew – ‘Dhaani.’ I had to reach Airport before it’s too late as it’s the only chance I had to see her all again and once and for all. At facebook only I used to stalk her but haven’t seen her in real since 5 years. Not that I were stranger to her, we have 40 mutual friends but we were the only exception, who could not find place in each other’s friends list. I don’t know if she had looked for me on facebook but yes, I always saw her through the eyes of this great social media website which according to psychiatrists had become an addiction to most of world but to me she was the only one, Dhaani.

As countless times I had seen her through internet and wept by my laptop at destiny, thinking why this happened when it wasn’t meant to end at happy note, why I met her when we weren’t meant to live together, why a lonely guy like me always had to eat bitter fruits like this. And, I always blamed it for whatever happened as I had no one else to do so. Yes, it was destiny, not her or I, who came forward out of the blue and extended hands in Love. Unlike, other love stories mine was not just written but pushed through the walls by destiny.  It made sure that I take notice of her presence, have all doors closed and believe in it. Believe that she was created for me and me for her. I always knew that we had no match; we came from entirely different worlds. Sometimes, I go back into memories and see myself standing at an end of the passage which had trees grown at either sides like a vista and she was walking through it in the evening. There, deep down, I was expecting her to simply look back at me just once before it’s too late and she would reach the other end of passage to take a turn towards hostel. But it never happened, not even in my imagination, just for once she never turned around to smile at me. All my expectations doomed and there in that passage I am still standing and replaying the memory million times with a hope of a prospect that she would look back and leave a smile for me.

Wise old people have always said that time is the ultimate healer however in my case it restrained wounds from healing, kept them fresh and bloody. Every day, it reminded me of the instances when I be with her, in rainy days, after dinner long walk around the campus, her sipping of Mazza with me and rush of her emotions at the recite of my every new poem which she perhaps not knew that she was the center of all those recited couplets. The pain, sorrow, joy, love, feeling, all she was to me. Several couplets were written and given to her in the pretense that she loved them but truth about her it always seemed mystery to me or perhaps it’s a still the same.

To Be Continued....(Chapter -1...Coming Soon)